My hot chocolate went cold

I’m supposed to be studying for finals. But it’s almost midnight, the lamp is still on, and I’ve just been sitting here staring at my laptop. I ended up on YouTube and found this video of Shaykh Abdal Hakim Murad talking about Al-Ghazali. I just stopped. Everything just felt too loud tonight, and his voice was actually the only thing that made sense.

He talked about Sabr (patience) and Shukr (gratitude).

I always thought patience was just.. waiting? Like waiting for the bus or a boring class to end. Or when life hits you with something really heavy, like a death in the family or a huge failure. I thought it was this "emergency button" you press when things go wrong. 

But he explained it differently. It’s the "head" of your faith. If you lose your head, the rest of the body is useless. He described it as this constant, internal fight. One part of me is just dying to check my phone or to find some kind of distraction. And the other part is.. trying to stay still. Trying to actually be here. I realized I’m kind of drunk on wanting things. Like, why is it so hard to just be? It’s actually embarrassing how hard it is to be quiet without my mind racing to the next thing I think I "need." Sabr isn't just about how you handle the "big" stuff. It’s more about how you handle yourself when there's nothing going on.

It made me look at my room. Piles of books, a messy desk, and that constant urge to check my phone. I felt so small. We’re always told that having "more" is the goal to be happy. But he says that real freedom is actually being able to say no to yourself. Self-restraint. That hit me.  I don’t want my whole life to just be me reacting to whatever impulse pops into my head.

Then there’s Shukr. I realized tonight that I’m so ungrateful. Not because I don’t say thank you, but because I’m in what he called a “spiritual coma” (غفلة). I look at the blessings in my life like I just deserve it. I see the gift, but I completely ignore where it actually comes from.

He said that true gratitude is an action. By using a blessing for what it was actually meant for. If I have eyes, am I looking at things that make my heart better? If I have time, am I just killing it for no reason?

I’m just tired of everything being so shallow. I want a “sound heart” (قلب سليم). I want to be the kind of person who stays steady when things fall apart. The one who can find the Divine in just a sunset or a piece of fruit instead of scrolling until my brain goes numb.

My hot chocolate is cold now. I made it an hour ago and forgot it was even there. The house is completely silent. Maybe this is what Sabr starts like. Just sitting here. Not running away from the quiet.

I’m trying. I’m really trying to wake up.